Curio Cabinet / Mindset Curio

Our fixed mindsets can come roaring forth in moments of anger. Especially when someone we love has broken one of our "rules" of respect—even a little one—we can react as though they are bad or deficient people. And, boy, can this "righteous" anger be bad for relationships.
 
When anger strikes
Last year, my husband and I were going through security at San Francisco airport. When his turn came to show an ID and boarding pass to the official, he started fishing around for them as though it all came as a complete surprise. This really made me steam. "I've told you a hundred times…" I hissed. Whereupon, the security woman looked straight at me and said, "Yeah, and how's that workin' for ya?"
 
We'll return to her interesting question in a minute. But first, why do we get so infuriated over small things? Perhaps because we have told them a hundred times. Perhaps because their behavior makes us question whether they respect what we say or how we feel.
 
You love your spouse or partner and usually feel lucky to have them in your life. But if they violate a "should"—like coming home late without calling in advance, leaving their dirty dishes in the sink for you to wash, putting others' needs ahead of yours, or wanting to abort an exciting plan at the last minute—you blow. If they were really caring and considerate, they would never do this to you. Granted, these behaviors may not be acceptable, but the trick is in how you communicate that.
 
Fixed mindset reactions make it way worse
The fixed mindset reaction begins with righteousness. You can't believe that, once again, you are bearing the brunt of your partner's inconsiderate nature. But please know that making your partner feel like a bad person—as powerful and appropriate as it may seem at the time—is rarely the best thing to do.
 
Let's return to the security officer's question: "How's that workin' for ya?" Of course it wasn't working! Why do we think our righteous anger will work the 101st time? Perhaps it's not that our partners are simply insensitive or inconsiderate people. Perhaps our feedback methods of contempt and outrage are deeply ineffective. Try shifting gears and asking: "Why is the person I love and who loves me not learning from my (righteously angry) input?" Because contempt and shaming only push people away, that's why. They want to escape, not change.
 
Joint learning not self-righteous teaching
Effective strategies start from a different place. They start with the idea that your partner is a caring and well-meaning person who did not intend to act in an annoying or inconsiderate way. They also start with the idea that you can both learn from a (non-accusatory) discussion. For example, you could say, "I know how stressful it can be when you have a deadline at work, but I need you to let me know when you'll be coming home late. How can we work it out so you can do that without losing your focus?" And don't forget to ask what you could do differently. Perhaps they don't call home because they don't want an earful of abuse!
 
As for the security line incident, it led to a terrific discussion of why my "hundreds of times" feedback had been so amazingly ineffective. It was so reminiscent of his mother's nagging that he automatically tuned it out. Ouch! I so didn't want to be anyone's nagging mother that I ditched that approach instantly. Since then, we've decided to focus only on behaviors that really matter. For those items, we've learned to discuss them fully and to find a solution that we're both comfortable with. One that doesn't make him compare me to his mother!
 
One final thought about righteous anger management: Remember that we are all unfinished human beings, constantly trying to build a better model of ourselves. But it doesn't happen through a partner's anger, contempt, and accusations—it happens by conveying mutual respect and understanding. Especially in those moments when it's hardest to do. When you or your partner lapses, look at it as a joint-learning opportunity not a righteous-teaching opportunity: What do we each need and how can we make that happen?

EXERCISE: Heading off the next blow up
 

Think of something your partner does that triggers your righteous anger. Try to think of something that's not truly awful, but still violates your sense of how you "should" be treated.
What rule of yours does this behavior break?
How have you responded in the past? And how well has it worked?
What do you think is the cause of this behavior? Try to look at it from your partner's perspective.
Finally, come up with a new—more calm and less righteous—response for the next time it happens. Plan to have a discussion about what each of you needs in this situation, and how you can work together to make that happen.

Our fixed mindset personas like to ask us the wrong questions: Am I smart or not? Lovable or unlovable? A good or bad parent/partner/friend/colleague? We've touched on all of these in past Mindset Curios. But today our fixed-mindset persona will ask: Am I a strong or a weak person?
 
The willpower myth
Am I strong or weak? This question comes to mind when we're trying to make changes in our lives—even relatively small ones—such as dropping some pounds, cutting out a bad habit, sleeping more, controlling our temper, or being kinder. In a fixed mindset, it's all about having "willpower," being strong. If you're strong, you'll do the right thing. If you're weak, you won't. But this view ignores a critical point.
 
Make plans not vows
Successful change is about finding strategies that work for you, not about simply vowing to be strong. How do you find these strategies?
 
Take weight loss, for example. Begin by asking yourself lots of questions: How can I fill up on good, healthful foods instead of fattening ones? What foods do I have to remove from my house? What are some events coming up that will challenge my healthy eating and how can I navigate them? What are key times I succumb to unhealthy snacks and what can I do or eat instead?
 
Now let's take being kinder. You might ask yourself: Why don't I do more for people? And you might realize that you mean well, but each day you quickly get sucked into the duties, obligations, must-do's of the moment. Not because you're an unkind or weak person, but because you're stressed, focused, rushed. But what if each morning, while you're drinking your coffee (shaving, doing your hair, stretching) you think of a single act of kindness you can do for a friend/co-worker/family member that day. Just one. Then plan when, where, and how you will bestow that act of kindness. Using cues like this can be a very effective way to build healthy new habits (see SMC #8 and SMC #10).
 
Monitor and adjust
Coming up with your plan and trying it out is a critical step. But there's more. Is your plan actually working? Monitor yourself and create new strategies based on when your plan succeeds and when it fails. Our fixed mindsets will see these failures as weakness. But our growth mindsets will understand these occasional lapses are not just inevitable, they are welcome opportunities for learning. Learning about what vulnerabilities we have, and how we can better deal with them next time.
 
Avoid the backslide
Okay, now suppose that whatever you did worked! You lost the weight, started getting more sleep, began controlling your temper, or took the time to be kinder. Well, that's great. But…now comes the real danger: backsliding.
 
Your fixed mindset may be telling you: This proves that I'm a strong person. Case closed, end of story. You don't need those crutches, those strategies anymore—they're for weaker types. You simply assume the changes you've made will last and that you will continue to be a thin, sleep-filled, sweet-tempered, or kind person. You're probably wrong.
 
In a growth mindset, you can feel proud of your changes but still know that it will take sustained thought and effort to maintain (and build on) your accomplishments. It's all too easy to regain that weight; or succumb to being irritable or inconsiderate again. It doesn't mean you're weak, it means you're human. So, instead of relying on some mythical willpower, weave successful growth strategies into your ongoing life—that's the true mark of a "strong" person.

EXERCISE: Make that change

Identify a small change you'd like to make in your life. Write it down.
Reflect upon past times you've tried to make this change. What happened? Did you make any progress? Did it work for a while? Did you backslide?
Now come up with a list of questions you'll need to answer to form an effective plan. Think of specific scenarios where you will need a good strategy in addition to your willpower. For examples, see the "losing weight" and "being nicer" questions above.
Write down your strategy, making sure it answers your list of questions adequately. Make sure your plan includes a daily cue or activity you can use to build this change into your daily routine.
Finally, think of how you can use the same cue to monitor/adjust your plan and—once you are seeing results—also watch out for back slide behavior.

In the very first Mindset Curio, we covered fixed-mindset triggers—things that pull you out of a growth mindset and catapult you into a fixed mindset. This is the third of three Curios where I present you with a trigger-happy dilemma that tests your growth mindset. Today's topic: living in denial.
 
In a fixed mindset, admitting faults can feel traumatic. Faults could mean you're not a good partner, parent, friend—or person. Getting criticism from others can send us into this fixed mindset, leading us to put up a wall of denial, just when we most need to listen and respond.
 
The dilemma
Imagine life has dropped you into a perfect marriage (and/or has blessed you with wonderful children, great friendships, or a terrific job). But a relationship in your life is not as great as you think. For example, maybe your partner has repeatedly tried to talk to you about what is making them unhappy in the relationship, but you feel too threatened to really have that conversation. Instead, you decide it's really about their issues, not yours. Sooner or later they'll return to normal. But you wake up one day and your partner wants out.
 
Your initial fixed mindset reaction
You've always felt sorry for people who are divorced (or estranged from a child or out of work). And now you're that person. You alternate between feeling angry (and betrayed, bitter, even vengeful) and feeling pretty worthless. Your fixed mindset is running the show. Judge them, judge yourself, judge them, judge yourself.
 
Fighting back to a growth mindset perspective
Of course, anyone would feel pretty devastated, but what comes next? Crawling back toward a growth mindset place. Ask yourself some hard questions: What made you afraid to listen to your partner's entreaties? What requests were they making that you didn't hear? Was there some truth in their criticisms? Are these issues that you could have worked out together?
 
Try to understand that a sure way to alienate people—even people who love you—is to make them feel that their needs aren't important to you. It may not be too late to communicate that their needs are important, by first listening fully to what they have to say. And then by asking questions to learn more about what they need from you. Don't defend or justify your past behavior—just listen and learn.
 
Don't judge, communicate
You know, it's astounding how quickly a good relationship can spiral downward if two people can't listen carefully and problem-solve together. If they can listen and problem-solve—instead of self-justifying and blaming—the relationship has a good chance of becoming closer and deeper over time. Is there an important person in your life you're not hearing?

EXERCISE: Is there someone you're not hearing?

Who is it? You partner, your child, your friend, your boss or co-workers?
If you really listen closely, what are they trying to tell you?
Why is it threatening to you? What are you afraid it means?
Now, think of it in terms of their needs. What do they need from you? Is it legitimate? If so, talk with them about how you can begin to provide it. The most important step is starting the conversation!

In the very first Mindset Curio, we covered fixed-mindset triggers—things that pull you out of a growth mindset and catapult you into a fixed mindset. This is the second of three Curios where I present you with a trigger-happy dilemma that tests your growth mindset. Today's topic: Shedding your sense of entitlement.
 
The dilemma
Imagine, after a successful collegiate career, you land an entry-level job at a large and impressive company. Even after months of work, you are still treated like a low-level employee. It doesn't take long for your fixed mindset to get triggered. You think: "With my talent, I shouldn't be treated this way, and have to work so hard. I should be living large with the higher-ups, enjoying the benefits that come with being a person of my caliber. But your boss thinks you have a bad attitude, and doesn't give you more responsibility—or a promotion, for that matter.
 
Your snowballing fixed mindset response
It doesn't take long for your fixed mindset to grow to mammoth proportions: Your boss is obviously threatened by your ability. She doesn't see your talents because she doesn't understand how to work with people like you. She's right that you have a slightly negative attitude, but only because you have to put up with co-workers who are borderline incompetent. Asking you to lower yourself to their level is counter-productive and insulting.
 
Feeling superior doesn't get you anywhere
News alert: some amount of tedious work is just part of having a job. In a growth mindset, you can approach work that initially feels beneath you as an opportunity to show your commitment to excellence. You can find ways to do the tasks differently. You can improve your own productivity; and then help others get better—thereby improving your relationships with your colleagues (just don't impart your knowledge in a totally condescending way!). You can speed through the boring stuff, freeing up time to learn more about the business and finding ways to innovate or improve everybody's work. Best yet, you could even learn to enjoy the hard work—especially the learning and improvement—without worrying whether it gets you recognition or a promotion.
 
Take off your coat of specialness armor
Once you embrace a growth mindset about work, incredible things may start to happen. You may be amazed at how people start to help and support you right back. You may start to see your boss and colleagues as collaborators working with you toward a common goal—instead of adversaries out to deny you your rightful place on the throne.
 
You've been wearing a coat of "specialness armor that your fixed mindset put on you years ago, to make you feel safe and worthy in threatening situations. Take it off. It may have protected you early on, but now it's probably constricting your growth, sending you into self-defeating battles, and preventing you from building meaningful relationships.
 
Of course you're special and unique. But, from a growth mindset perspective, so is everyone else. In this mindset, "special doesn't mean better or more worthy than others—and it doesn't need the armor. As you take your armor off, feel the weight being lifted. Feel yourself moving, unencumbered, into your world and becoming more and more part or it—more and more able to reach your potential and to help others reach theirs.

EXERCISE: Taking off your specialness armor
 
Almost all of us have worn a coat of specialness armor at some point in our lives. An entitlement shield that makes us feel like we're too good for something that we're expected to do. I'm not talking about demeaning tasks; I'm talking about tasks we think are suitable for others, but not for ourselves.

What is a situation in which you put on that coat of armor that symbolizes your entitlement?
What effect does it have on you and others around you?
If you can't take off the armor all at once, how can you start to remove it piece by piece? What are the first things you can do to get back on the path of learning and growth?
Just like our first dilemma curio (SMC #22: Following through), write down exactly when, where, and how you'll take these first steps.

In the very first Mindset Curio, we covered fixed-mindset triggers—things that pull you out of a growth mindset and catapult you into a fixed mindset. This is the first of three Curios where I present you with a trigger-happy dilemma that tests your growth mindset. Today's topic: following through on your plans.
 
The dilemma
Imagine you have a job, but you applied to graduate school or a professional program that will really launch your career. You applied to just one place, the one that's a perfect fit for you. And you're pretty sure you'll get accepted because your conversations with faculty and administrators were very encouraging. But then the letter comes: You were rejected. Thud.
 
Your fixed mindset leaps into action
After you calm down, you tell yourself it was extremely competitive. Plus, going back to school has some real drawbacks that now you don't have to deal with. You still have career options. But soon a voice in your head starts talking: it's your fixed mindset. It tells you to stop rationalizing. Obviously, the admissions committee found you lacking. Of course you didn't stack up to the great applicants they had. The people you talked to probably encouraged everyone. Face it, they passed judgment on you, and you just weren't worthy.
 
For the next few days there's a battle in your head between the first, more soothing assessment and the second self-disparaging one. Eventually you feel better, mute the fixed-mindset voice, and move on with your life. That's the end of that. But what about your goal? What happened to it?
 
Not so fast
In a growth mindset, regaining your equilibrium is just the beginning. All you've done is talk yourself out of a hole. Now comes the critical next step: learning and self-improvement. Think about your ultimate goal, and what you could do to stay on track. What steps could you take? What information could you gather? For one, you could apply to more schools next time! But you could also talk to people who had successfully applied to your favorite program, and seek their guidance. Couldn't you also talk to the faculty or administrators who rejected you and find out more?
 
Take action
This dilemma is actually a true story, and it has a happy ending. The rejected applicant got some growth mindset advice, and ended up calling the school a few days later. When she reached the right person, she told him: "I don't want to dispute your decision. I just want to know, if I decide to apply again in the future, how I can improve my application. I would be very grateful for some feedback along those lines." Several days later he called back and offered her admission. She had been on the bubble, and the student's initiative (and excellent application) had convinced them to make room for one more student after all!
 
The key part of our applicant's story was following through on contacting the school. It was hard to work up the nerve to engage the very people who rejected her. What if she heard things that made her feel worse? Her action came when she was able to step out of her fixed-mindset place—where just feeling a bit better was good enough—and enter a more growth-mindset place, where her life goal was alive and well and ready to be nurtured again.

EXERCISE: Following through
 
We often think of things that will improve our lives, but then don't follow through. How can we improve our follow through on these important life changes? A first step is learning about our fixed-mindset triggers and learning how to return from the fixed-mindset hole to a growth-mindset place where these changes seem attainable (see SMC #1, SMC #2, and SMC #3).
 
But here's the critical next step. Research by Peter Gollwitzer and his colleagues shows that vowing to do something—even intensely vowing to do it—doesn't usually work. What does work is making a vividly detailed plan. Let's practice:

Think of something you have been meaning to do that addresses a significant problem or opportunity in your life. Write it down.
Now write down a concrete plan. Start with when and where you will do it. Be very specific, e.g., "Tomorrow after the kids go to school I'll make a cup of tea, sit down at my computer, and then start…" or "Tonight when I finish the dishes I'll sit down with my wife in the living room and say 'Honey, I'd like to talk about…'"
How exactly will you do it? Write these details down also. Visualize exactly how you will start the task itself. Or visualize what will you say. Think back to our applicant above and how well she worded her plea with the administrator.
Now, all that's left to do is follow through…

In SMC #20, we saw how two negotiating parties can work it out. Today let's turn up the heat and tackle conflicts—where the stakes and emotions can be a lot higher.
 
Negotiations vs. conflicts
Most negotiations are between two parties who see each other's claims and needs as legitimate. They are motivated to reach a mutually satisfactory solution, and they usually remain civil. In the conflicts we'll talk about today, the parties don't really see each other's claims as legitimate. And they're not so cool, calm, and collected. In fact, they're often enraged and looking to hurt each other. This is true whether we're talking about conflicts between partners, peers, or entire nations!
 
Conflicts with peers
Dr. David Yeager and his team have studied how mindsets affect conflicts among high school students. In his research, they found some students held more of a fixed mindset about themselves and peers, believing that personal qualities were carved in stone: You're either a winner or a loser (or a bully or victim) and you can't really change that. How did this influence the students' reactions to conflict?
 
Yeager found that when adolescents in a fixed mindset were rejected or excluded, they experienced higher levels of shame and hatred—shame about themselves as potentially deficient, and hatred toward the people who made them feel that way. These feelings created a strong desire for revenge, often violent revenge, and the feelings festered for a long time. This was true for kids from every walk of life.
 
Cooling down the revenge "hot sauce"
But when Yeager gave some teens a 6-session workshop on growth mindset, it affected their approach to conflict. Change, they learned, is not easy. It's not certain, and it's not their responsibility to change others, but the potential is there in everyone. One month later, Yeager put the workshop participants (and control group participants) into a conflict situation and gave them an opportunity for revenge: They could assign any amount of hot sauce to the offending party—who, it turned out, hated spicy food.
 
What happened? Those who had taken the growth mindset workshop assigned 40% less hot sauce than kids in the control group. And they were twice as likely to send a compassionate (as opposed to hostile) note with the sauce. From a growth mindset perspective, the offenders remained full human beings with the capacity to grow; not bad people deserving of mouth-burning misery!
 
Conflicts on a global scale
Could the same lessons apply to conflicts between large factions or even nations? Dr. Eran Halperin and his team investigated this exact question with the mother of all conflicts: The Middle East. Would Israelis and Palestinians have a greater willingness to compromise for peace when viewing each other through a growth mindset lens? In several studies with both Palestinians and Jewish Israelis, Halperin found this to be the case. People who either already believed that groups were capable of positive change, or were taught this growth mindset, were more positively disposed toward the other side—and therefore more willing to entertain serious concessions to advance the peace process.
 
Applying this to our own conflicts
Assuming you're neither a high school student nor a nation (or aspiring nation), what does all this mean for you? When people offend or betray us, we are tempted to view them as unalterably bad or deficient. We want to retaliate, punish them, make them hurt like we do. This can happen even when—or especially when—the offending person is a friend, relative, or partner. The best of friends, the lovey-doviest of couples, or the closest of business partners, often end up in the most intense conflicts.
 
How do we resolve these kinds of conflicts? As Yeager taught the teens in his study, people don't do things because they're good or bad people; they do things because of the thoughts and feelings in their brains—thoughts and feelings that can be changed. Most people don't set out to offend or betray. Instead, we're all trying to do our best given the thoughts and feelings in our own brains. By acknowledging this—that most of us are struggling, fallible, but well-meaning and evolving people—we can try to find our way back to a place of reconciliation and growth.
 

EXERCISE: (Re)writing a conflict story
 
For this exercise, you'll need to think of someone you are or were close to but, because of a conflict, are currently harboring resentment toward.

First, write down a paragraph explaining your relationship to this person, and the actions and events that led to it souring—from the perspective of you and your feelings.
Now write a paragraph trying to understand the situation from the other person's perspective. What thoughts and feelings might have made him/her act that way?
Finally, write a third paragraph about the common goals that still exist between you and your "adversary." What steps could you take to regain a shared perspective on the situation? Is there any action you could take to try and resolve the conflict more amicably?
Please consider sharing your conflict story with me! You can send it to support@curious.com with "Mindset Curio #21" in the subject. Please make sure to anonymize the story (don't use your name in the story, or the real names of anybody else) so that we can publish them for others to learn from.

Do you think of negotiations as power struggles? If so, you may have a "fixed pie" instead of a "win-win" view of negotiating. Your growth mindset can help.
 
Is life a negotiation?
It may seem cynical to say that much of our daily life is spent negotiating. Does that sound to you like a dim, exhausting view of life? Only if you think of negotiation as a power struggle—as people waging a battle to prove that they're right and the other person is wrong, or that they're a winner and the other person is a loser. Then every mutual decision can become a test of who's got the power.
 
However, there's a different view of negotiation, one that's about finding a better outcome for everyone involved. It's about finding a way to give both parties the recognition, resources, or opportunities they want and deserve. That's where the growth mindset comes in.
 
Win-lose vs. win-win
We've seen how, in a fixed mindset, people are worried about judgments. Failing or losing at something—even just being wrong about something—can make them feel like they're not a smart or worthy person. This is a real liability when it comes to negotiations.
 
Researchers at the Haas School of Business at UC Berkeley, Laura Kray and Michael Haselhuhn (now at UC Riverside) showed that people in a fixed mindset approached negotiations with the goal of winning. Those in a growth mindset approached negotiations with the goal of learning and of getting as much as they could not just for themselves but for all involved. As result, they persevered through the rough spots and stalemates to reach an agreement. And, by the way, while finding ways to satisfy the other party's needs, they earned far more for themselves than those in a fixed mindset. So the fixed-mindset focus on winning actually led to less for everyone!
 
Debunking the fixed pie myth
Often people enter a negotiation with an idea, called the fixed pie myth, that there is a set amount of goodies. If you get more I get less. But in a growth mindset people enter a negotiation with the idea that they can help create more goodies for everyone involved. By cooperating, both parties can actually create a bigger pie—instead of just trying to eat the most of what's already there. Some examples might help.
 
First, let's start with an actual pie. Imagine two kids fighting over a small apple pie. With grabbing hands they each try to get more than their fair share. But what if it turns out one child only eats the sugary crust and the other prefers the apple filling? A win-win strategy results in a much better solution for both kids: one gets twice as much crust, and the other gets twice as much filling! (They both probably get stomachaches.)
 
Next, consider the classic fixed pie negotiation: buying a car. The bargaining typically revolves around price and is clearly competitive: Every dollar you save comes out of the salesperson's pocket. But what if you offer to refer friends who are looking to buy cars, or what if you were willing to pay a bit more if a service guarantee were included? All of a sudden the negotiation is not just about price. It becomes a collaboration, as you look for a way to make both sides win.
 
Negotiating is caring
Often it's about asking the other person what they want or need. Kray and Haselhuhn found that, even in a business negotiation, those in a growth mindset were more likely to learn about the other person's needs and then collaborate with that person to expand the pie. By the way, just showing that you care about the other person's needs is often a gateway to trust and to an enhanced outcome for both parties, whether it's a personal or a business negotiation.
 
If you are able to see everyday negotiations as potential win-wins instead of win-lose situations, then perhaps the idea that daily life is full of negotiations is not so off-putting. Yes, life can be seen as a series of negotiations. But those negotiations are a critical part of how we create opportunities and growth, for both ourselves and for others!
 

EXERCISE: Win-winning a negotiation
 
Are you ready to use your growth mindset to get better at negotiating win-win solutions?

Watch one or both of these Curious lessons on cooperative negotiating:

"Negotiation lessons from my horse" by Dr. Margaret Neale
Competitive/distributive vs. cooperative/integrative negotiation by Robert Barcik

Now recall a recent time when you were negotiating for something (with your boss, your partner/spouse or a family member) where you were competing to win. Did you win or lose? How about the other party?
Now imagine if you could re-negotiate that situation with a win-win or cooperative perspective. What questions would you have asked? What could you have added to the "pie" to create more value for both parties?
Is it too late to revisit or re-open that negotiation? Could you try to do so using your new strategies?

Me, me, me. That's what we've mostly been talking about so far in these Mindset Curios. How to develop a more wonderful version of ourselves. But no matter who we are—boss, parent, partner, coach, friend, co-worker—we all play a big role in helping others fulfill their potential.
 
What is your mindset about talent in others?
Just as we can have a fixed or growth mindset about our own talents and abilities, we can have fixed or growth mindsets about other people's abilities. We can believe that their abilities can't change. Or we can believe that people are capable of developing their abilities. These mindsets can apply to personal attributes, too, such as someone's personality or character. Do we tend to see some people as unalterably aggressive, inconsiderate, self-absorbed, or inflexible?
 

Avoiding a fixed mindset about other people
Unfortunately, research shows that when we view people through a fixed mindset lens, we tend to make snap judgments about them. After viewing even a small sample of someone's performance or behavior, we may brand them as talented or untalented, nice or not nice. And then we may tend to resist any information that contradicts our initial assessment of their "fixed" traits. Research by Peter Heslin found that corporate managers in a fixed mindset were more reluctant to acknowledge clear improvement in an employee who had initially performed poorly; and overly eager to praise employees whom they had hired themselves or previously rated highly.
 
This fixed view of another person is a problem in itself. But it's an even bigger problem when we're in charge of that person's learning opportunities, and therefore their growth. We all know people whose promising youth athletic or music careers were cut short by a coach or teacher who didn't think they had natural talent, and didn't give them the chance to learn from mistakes and improve.
 

A better way: grow others
Heslin found a completely different attitude in managers who embraced a growth mindset. These managers spent more time coaching their employees and investing in their development. They saw and appreciated improvement. And, by the way, they welcomed critiques and suggestions from their employees—for their own growth as managers.
 
Heslin's research found far fewer of these behaviors in fixed mindset managers. Why waste time teaching an old dog new tricks? Of course, we don't need research to know how bad it feels when somebody who has authority over us doesn't believe we can improve. Worst of all, we may even start to believe it ourselves.
 

You (and your brain) can change
The most exciting news is that Heslin and his colleagues showed it's possible to change our fixed mindset about other people. They conducted a growth mindset workshop with managers. It included videos and scientific articles about how dynamic our brains are, and how they can change throughout our lives with learning. In the months after the workshop, participating managers became more active coaches, detected more improvement, and sought more feedback from their employees.
 
So today's lesson in a nutshell: A critical—and learnable—component of having a growth mindset is believing and investing in the growth of others!
 

EXERCISE: Un-fixing your mindset about other people
 
This is a modified excerpt from the actual workshop that Peter Heslin used (see above) to help managers overcome their fixed mindsets about their co-workers.

First, think of people in your life that you have some influence over. It could be students, children, employees, or just friends. Write down why it's important to understand that these people can grow their abilities. How might you limit their development if you don't?
Now think of areas in which you once had low ability, but now perform well. How did that happen? What does this teach you? Write it down.
Recall times you saw people learn to do things you never thought they could do. How do you think this happened? Write it down.
Finally, draft a short letter or email to a struggling protégé, friend, peer or child about how abilities can be developed. Encourage that person to work on specific skills or strategies, and suggest how they might go about it. Conclude your letter with a specific way you will personally support this effort.
Consider actually sending this note. Would that person be surprised to receive such a message from you? Could/would you actually provide the support your letter promises?

This is the third of three Mindset Curios on relationships. So far we have covered Rejection (SMC #15) and Blame (SMC #16). Today we cover the tricky topic of healthy friendships.
 
Real friends help each other grow
People often ask me: What's the most important thing to look for in a friend or partner? My answer: Someone who appreciates who you are, makes you feel good about yourself, and—at the same time—inspires and supports you to grow. They share your vision of what you want to be and what you want to accomplish, and they help you get there.
 
Sure, often we just need reassurance about ourselves from our friends, despite the dangers of person praise (see SMC #5). We say things like: "Tell me I'm not a bad person for breaking up with my boyfriend" or "Tell me I'm not stupid even though I bombed the exam." These pleas for validation to/from our friends—which increasingly happen publicly via social media—are an opportunity to help each other grow. Try to provide friends with support that points them toward that growth. Such as: "You're right to move on, you gave that relationship everything you had and he never matched your effort" or "What happened on the exam? Let's talk!"
 
If you have friends who support and challenge you at the same time, and are co-invested in your growth in life, then you are lucky indeed! Nurture and cherish those relationships, while watching out for…
 
Competitive friends
We all know people like this. They are charming and fun, but after being with them, you feel diminished. Somehow, spending time with them makes you feel bad about yourself. They may not actively put you down, but they actively build themselves up and make you feel inadequate in the process.
 
It may be a co-worker who informs you that your boss told her "she was the most talented employee he had ever worked with." Or a friend, knowing you've always had your eye on a certain potential partner, boasting about a dinner invite from that very person. They might do it obliviously or even good-naturedly, but you end up on the short end of the stick.
 
It's their fixed mindset at work—they are validating their fixed traits by affirming their superiority. And probably triggering your fixed mindset in the process, as you start to doubt your own talents and personal qualities.
 
Friends you can fish with
The saying goes that you don't really know who your friends are until your time of need. That's often true. But think about it—your failures and misfortunes don't threaten people's egos. Sometimes, you don't know who your true friends are until you succeed. People who derive their self-esteem from being superior can feel threatened by the assets and successes of others, especially someone close to them.
 
Once, while visiting a dude ranch, my husband David and I took a group fly-fishing lesson. I was the only one to catch a fish. And a gorgeous rainbow trout it was! All the men on the outing assumed David would feel threatened and kept asking him, "How are you coping?" He didn't know what they were talking about. He thought it was super exciting that I caught a fish.
 
What's the moral of the story? Invest in friends who want the best for you. Ones who are happy when you get promoted, or meet a wonderful new partner, or have a child succeed. Or catch the only fish!
 

EXERCISE: Taking your friend inventory

Do a mental inventory of your closest friends or family members. Arrange them on a spectrum from most supportive to least supportive of your growth and success.
First, think of the ones who are most supportive. Take a moment to appreciate them! Are you as supportive of them as they are of you? Have you talked to them recently, or told them how much you appreciate them? Maybe you have time for a quick phone call (not a Facebook poke!) this week?
Are any of your closest friends competitive with you? Do they make you feel bad about yourself when you're with them, as described in the Curio above? Is there something you could say to them at the moments when you need them to share in your success? Could you somehow alert them to the fact they are (inadvertently?) making you feel bad? Think about it. Consider talking to them.

In SMC #15, I asked you to write your stories of rejection and, if you felt comfortable, to share them with me. Your responses were so voluminous and heart-rending that we decided to dedicate this week's Mindset Curio to republishing a few of them. I hope these personal stories touch you as they have me. Thanks to everybody who shared. Here's to learning from one another!
— Carol
 

From AB:
I left a large business to go into business with a friend. I felt confident, obviously, that it would be a fun and healthy endeavor. We both had clientele and agreed to split everything 50-50. It only lasted nine months… He tried all sorts of dirty tricks to malign me and frankly I felt like he was trying to bury me alive.
 
This was a lesson in survival to me. I found a friend who housed my business for a few months… I had to form an entity and get an assistant, and project confidence and normalcy in a very bad situation. I came home to my husband having copied and blown up the poem "Still I Rise" by Maya Angelou. I landed at a good place in three months. Although nothing like the loss of a loved one, or the loss of a compassionate and fair country, it was a true wake-up call as to my inner-strength, and that I could rely on myself for a solution.
 
I have had a long and successful career. I learned to constantly move forward and that I deserved to move forward… I have gained an understanding … of one's psyche, of how easy it is to break down and turn a relationship into a very unhealthy situation. My instincts are better now. Is this a growth mindset? I don't know, but I am sure I grew in many personal skills. I no longer allow actions of those around me to fester or eat away at myself. I address things immediately and without regard to whether men think I am too aggressive or the "B" word… I am worth it. Perhaps I had to go through this to know I am worth it.
 

From KP:
First, while in college, I started dating a man, R, and we became engaged. We rented a flat together and, so I thought, started making plans to be married. I was naïve and generous to a fault, often walking to school and getting rides with friends so he could use my car to go to work. He called me from a bar one night and asked me to meet him there. I thought "Cool, a surprise date!" Turned out he wanted to break off our engagement in a public place so I wouldn't cause a scene. Silly man! Seems he had been 'dating' a girl from his mother's church (while engaged to me), and had gotten her pregnant, so he felt obligated to marry her. That coming weekend.
 
Fast forward eighteen months… Had met a wonderful, seemingly stable man, B… devoted to his family. We dated for 8 months and then became engaged. I married B, and I worked at being married. Apparently, he did not. Cutting to the chase, I was window dressing to appease his family so that he could continue to lead the footloose and debauched life he was leading when I met him. …I didn't learn the extent of his infidelity until we had been divorced for a couple of years. My own family was more aware of his perfidy than I was.
 
After the divorce I had a few casual relationships… I learned, over a two year period, that I was perfectly capable of being an independent, single woman. I didn't need a man to define myself. Then… I was camping in the 1000 Islands with my sister and her family when G tripped and fell on the ground at my feet. The punch line of our story is that he's been there ever since… We dated for over a year before we became engaged, becoming best of friends… Everything was slow and carefully considered at each step. We have now been married for 25 years. It's not perfect bliss but, because we were friends first, we can disagree and still be in love.
 

From TS:
My story is one of a father who was rejected by his children. I had four boys when I divorced their mother. However, I never divorced my children. Over the years it was quite difficult for me not to live with them. After I left their mother, she was very hard on me, on a one-on-one basis as well as whenever she spoke of me in front of my children. They would tell me that their mother always blamed me whenever they made mistakes, "you are just like your father!"
 
When the oldest was about 10, we would message each other periodically when we were apart. One day he texted me that he did not want to see me ever again and that the next oldest did not want to see me either!
 
This was devastating for me! I had been rejected by my own children and I thought to myself what could and should I do? I decided that I should allow them to have their way. A little over a year later, they reached out to me and I was back in their lives again.
 
Now, about 15 years later, three of the four have all lived with me at one time or another. I am certain that the other who has not yet, will do so sometime soon. I believe that it was my commitment to being the person that I am and not trying to be the father that society would expect you to be, that led to our reunion as well as to the amazing father/son relationship I have with them now. Although I knew nothing of the growth mindset at that time, it was truly that way of thinking that got me through this horrible rejection.
 

From AX:
I married at 18 to my high school sweetheart, who had been drafted to go to Vietnam. He was a helicopter medic who arrived in Vietnam at the beginning of the Tet Offensive, and saw so many people die he was majorly damaged, although I did not understand that at the time. When he came home for the war, we stayed together and had a couple of fairly good years. Then I got pregnant, and he went to birth classes with me and was in the delivery room when our son was born. Almost immediately he took off and met up with someone he was romantically involved with which I was unaware of. I felt totally rejected, but was quite tied up with baby care and raising my son.
 
When my son turned 3 I met a man who had just ridden his motorcycle up from Colombia, and we fell in love! He was a great family man who had come from the Midwest, and we had a son together (a brother for my older son) and we had a very nice life together with many adventures and travels and also hard work to make all this happen.
 
I lost my wonderful husband to cancer 4 years ago, and was overcome with grief. [Eventually] I was able to find the peace that I needed to carry on as a mother and grandmother. It's the hardest thing that has happened to me, I still miss him so much!

This is the second of three Mindset Curios about relationships. Last week we delved into the effects of rejection (SMC #15). Today it’s blame! I’m the first to admit that blaming can be extremely satisfying. As a native New Yorker with two brothers (both with smart mouths), I became frighteningly good at this. But…
 
Blame targets #1 and #2: it’s either you or me
Blame is poison for relationships. It says there’s a bad person here (the one who is at fault, certainly not me) and a good person (the one who lays the blame, the one who is in the right, definitely me). As great as it may feel to be the winner of the blame game, the problem that provoked the need to blame is not solved and you’ve generated ill will. Your partner doesn’t feel appreciated or understood, and won’t admire you for bullying them into wearing the dunce cap. You’re also communicating that it’s not your job to participate in solving the problem—so you’ve missed a chance to help the relationship grow.
 
In short, when we experience problems in an intimate relationship, our fixed mindset offers us two bad blame alternatives: 1) I have permanent flaws (see SMC #15), or 2) my partner has permanent flaws. Many of us choose #2—having our partner soak up the blame—which eventually makes us lose respect for the partner. John Gottman, the relationship guru, has shown that this demise in respect is one of the prime symptoms of failing relationships.
 
Blame target #3: it’s the relationship
The fixed mindset offers us a third bad blame alternative. Researcher Raymond Knee has shown that people can also have a fixed mindset about the relationship itself—that it was meant to be or not meant to be. A problem, rather than something to be solved, can signal that this is just a bad relationship, one that wasn’t “meant to be.” Of course, some problems may be bad enough to make anyone doubt the relationship. But in this mindset, Knee has shown, just discussing a point of disagreement may call the whole relationship into question.
 
This fixed mindset about the relationship has two phases. First, you have the initial “meant to be” phase. Sort of like the way it was when Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella met their respective princes. However, what can eventually follow is the “thrill is gone” phase. When problems inevitably arise in the relationship, the fixed mindset persona may say “if this were meant to be we wouldn’t be having these problems” or “if this were the right relationship we wouldn’t have to work at it.” If you’re compatible, everything should just come naturally, right? Wrong, says every relationship expert, ever.
 
It drives me ballistic when, after a long and once-happy marriage, one of the partners says: “I realize I never really loved you” or “I was never happy” or “I never thought you were the right person for me.” This is the “thrill is gone” phase speaking.
 
So, is there an alternative to you and your loved one playing the blame game? Try blaming Maurice instead (see exercise below).
 

EXERCISE: Maurice to the rescue
 
As I admitted earlier, I’m a recovering blamer. To help me get past the blame stage and on to the problem-solving stage, my husband and I invented someone else to blame. A fictional person we named “Maurice.” Everything, it turns out, is his fault. Once we have placed the blame squarely on Maurice’s shoulders, we can calmly and caringly address the problem at hand. Nobody’s ego is at stake, nobody is maligning the other, nobody has to build a case against the partner. I’m not sure how Maurice likes it, but it has certainly worked for us.
 
If you and your partner (or relatives or friends) play the blame game a lot—and many partners and close relations do—then invent your own Maurice to shoulder the blame. Here’s how:

Choose a name for your Maurice. Make sure the name substitutes really well in the sentence: “It’s not my fault, it was Maurice!”
Bring up a small area of disagreement between you and your partner—one that usually engenders blame, but you can safely resurrect.
Talk about how Maurice is really at fault.
Then talk about how you and your partner, both innocent parties, could address the problem—ideally, accommodating both of your needs.

In the next three Mindset Curios, we'll discuss how mindsets can affect our personal relationships. Today's topic is rejection. We've all dealt with it in one form or another, but the question is: How have we dealt with it?
 

Getting rejected is the pits, but it's even worse when you don't think you can change
There's no way around it. Being rejected by somebody we love—or think we could love—is a horrible feeling. Someone who knows you well and once cared about you no longer wants to be with you. Now, that hurts no matter who you are.
 

Last year my colleague Lauren Howe and I published a series of studies examining why some people are better than others at recovering from rejection. We asked almost 200 people to tell us about their experiences with romantic rejection. Not surprising to loyal Mindset Curio readers, people with a fixed mindset (who believe their personalities can't be developed) handled rejections more poorly than those with a growth mindset. People in a fixed mindset questioned the very foundation of who they were, viewing the rejection as revealing the “truth” about them—a very negative truth.
 

Their most common refrain: They worried there was something deeply wrong with them because they got rejected. And they reported more emotions such as shame and anger with the rejection. These are universal emotions, but research shows that in excess they do not lead to behaviors that improve your situation. Now, this is not to say that people shouldn't self-reflect after a breakup. We absolutely need to take responsibility for our role in the demise of a relationship. That's called learning. However, believing we are permanently damaged goods is not useful.
 

Just believing in the potential for growth makes it better
Those people in a fixed mindset were more likely to drag their negative experiences with them to the next relationship. Even years later, the legacy of the rejection tended to haunt them, and make them more afraid of future rejection. People in a growth mindset mourned, learned what they could, healed, and moved on. As a group, they were not sorry they had the relationship, and said they were better off now because of what they learned from it. Personally, I look back and breathe a huge sigh of relief when I think of my relationships that didn't work out. Yet I'm grateful for them. They made me the person who could deeply appreciate my wonderful husband when he came along. That reminds me of one of my all-time favorite stories.
 

The right way to handle rejection: change into a black dress and dance!
Nicole Contos was getting married, and people had flown in from all over the world for her wedding. There she was at the cathedral altar in her spectacular dress, with the archbishop waiting to perform the ceremony. Then the best man broke the news to her. The groom would not be coming. (Turns out he flew to Tahiti and went on their honeymoon by himself!) Nicole could have run and hidden in humiliation, and everyone would have understood. Instead, she changed into a little black dress and danced to “I Will Survive.” The party proceeded as planned —well not quite as planned—but she hosted the wedding guests like a hero. What does she say now? The groom “did me the biggest favor by not showing up." Because then she met a man she could really count on. Some years later in the same dress in the same cathedral, she married that new guy. Was she worried? No. She knew he would show up.
 

Rejection, after the initial shock, is a critical part of our growth. If we allow ourselves to learn from it—what we need, what we want, and how we might do it better next time.
 

EXERCISE: Tell your own story of rejection and recovery.
 
Almost every one of us has a story of rejection. A traumatic breakup of a romantic relationship. A deep rift that grew between a parent and a child. Being humiliated and spurned by a group of friends. Or being cut or kicked off a team. Or a dramatic falling out with a former best friend.

Write down your own story of rejection, and how it impacted your life.
 

If you can, start your story by putting yourself back into the earliest days of your initial shock. How and how long was your day to day life affected?
 

Next reflect on how that rejection changed the way you approached your other relationships—for the better and for the worse.
 

Conclude your story with any parts of that rejection that you still carry with you today. What did you learn from it? How did it help you grow?
 

If you are willing, please send me your story! Email it to support@curious.com with "Mindset Curio #15" in the subject. Please make sure to anonymize the story (don't use your name in the story, or the real names of anybody else) so that we can publish them for others to learn from.
 

We spend a lot of our waking hours at work… or at least I hope they’re waking hours! And nowhere is mindset more impactful in adults’ lives—in potentially positive and negative ways. So what to do if you are the boss? Or even harder, what to do if you aren’t in charge and have to deal with fixed mindset leadership?
 
What to do if you are the boss
Unfortunately, too many leaders build their businesses in the image of their own greatness. Author and researcher Jim Collins calls them “geniuses with a thousand helpers.” I call them fixed mindset leaders: They feel the need to be the smartest person in the room and they aren’t looking to develop the talent of those around them. Don’t be one.
 
Instead, be a growth mindset leader. You might find inspiration from what Collins and his team learned from studying history’s most successful companies. Their leaders were rarely blustering egomaniacs. Instead, they were people who constantly asked questions and confronted the brutal answers in order to learn. They believed in human development—their own and that of their people. And they gloried in watching others blossom, and then giving them credit for it.
 
So if you lead a team or organization yourself, try hard to embrace a similar growth mindset. Researcher Peter Heslin showed that when managers were taught a growth mindset, they began to display a personal zest for learning. To show an openness to receiving feedback. And to be a resource for growth, rather than the supreme judge of which ideas and people are brilliant and which are not.

What to do if you’re not in charge
Many people ask me: How can people maintain a growth mindset even in the face of fixed mindset leadership? It’s hard, but start with your team. Teams can form their own collective mindset, as researcher Robert Wood and his colleagues discovered. They found that groups consisting of growth mindset individuals performed a lot better than groups of fixed mindset individuals. Growth mindset teams keep challenging themselves, giving each other feedback, and learning from their collective mistakes. They also have more fun!
 
I worked with a team within a fixed mindset company. They were intimidated by the “culture of genius” that surrounded them. After we talked, they began to open each meeting by having all members of the team share what they were struggling with. Pretty soon members were offering their skills to each other and collaborating on projects. Soon after that, the creativity and innovation of the team shot up. No one had to pretend to be a genius any more—they could air struggles and half-baked ideas and together develop something new.
 
So whether you’re the leader of a company or a member of a team within the company, believing in growth and improvement can help make it happen all around you.
 

EXERCISE: Growing your work mindset
 
Let’s explore the mindset of your organization or workplace.

Are you in a mostly fixed mindset workplace or a mostly growth mindset workplace?
 

What are the symptoms? Rate your organization on each spectrum below.

How could you initiate mindset changes in your workplace? Here are some possibilities:

Start with yourself: Ask for help or mentoring, rather than being defensive or secretive about your perceived shortcomings.
Schedule a session in which members of your group talk about what they’re struggling with. See if there are areas where team members can swap assistance or mentoring with one another.
Think about opportunities for you and others to grow specific work skills. See if the workplace will sponsor you to take online classes or purchase learning materials.
Put the highlight on process and not just results: Whenever possible, talk about the process you engaged in on a project—success or failure—and ask others about their process. What worked, what didn’t, and how can you do better next time?

Athletics is where the idea of being “a natural” really flourished. It is still hailed by many experts as the ultimate in sports. But it’s the mind, not just the body, that makes a champion.
 
It’s about being mentally tough
For some reason, deep down, people seem to revere naturals—especially in sports. We prefer to think of our champions as idols born different from us, with outsized abilities. Not as people who made themselves extraordinary through incredible commitment and preparation.
 
Now, let’s be clear. I'm not saying there’s no such thing as natural talent or that it’s not a factor. But looking into the sports literature, we found three characteristics of athletes and coaches who were consistent winners:
 
1. Having the right mindset
The legendary UCLA basketball coach John Wooden, who won ten NCAA championships, claimed he was only an average tactician. He believed his success came from a simple focus: working his hardest to improve his craft every day, and always striving to have his team performing at its best. As a result, he said “there were many, many games that gave me as much pleasure as any of the ten national championships… because we prepared fully and played near our highest level of ability.”
 
2. Being motivated by setbacks
Setbacks in sports (losing!) happens all the time. Athletes with the mindset of a champion see setbacks as informative and motivating. When the NCAA temporarily banned the dunk shot because of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s dominance, he invented his signature “sky hook” shot. It became perhaps the most impossible-to-defend shot in the history of basketball. Michael Jordan also famously embraced his failures. He even turned his misses into a classic Nike commercial: “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots… 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed.” Each time Jordan failed, he practiced more.
 
3. Taking charge of the process of success
Jackie Joyner Kersee, one of the greatest female track athletes ever, says “I derived just as much happiness from the process as from the results. I didn’t mind losing as long as I saw improvement.” And Mia Hamm, one of the greatest soccer players ever to compete, says that her primary motivation was to “walk off the field knowing that [I] gave everything [I] had.”
 

EXERCISE: Be like a world class athlete
 
You may be asking yourself why I’ve devoted this week’s Mindset Curio to sports. It’s because the rest of us have lots in common with the world’s best athletes. Many started out as pretty normal people who, over time, learned to do extraordinary things. Here’s an exercise that asks you to take that perspective on your own life:

Athletes with a growth mindset find success in learning and improving, not just winning. How could you apply this same approach to your path in life? Are you exclusively focused on the end result? Could you focus more on learning and improving?
 

Is there someone in your life who would make a good mentor? Could you ask him/her to mentor you, so you can learn the skills that will take you to the next level?
 

How can you take charge of the “process” you engage in to achieve a specific goal? Could you get to the point, like Jackie Joyner Kersee, where you are just as happy when you miss your goals… as long as you see improvement?
 

Do you spend enough time analyzing your successes and your failures? When you have a setback, do you take time to learn from those mistakes before moving on?
 

Could you, like John Wooden, focus each day on constant improvement and performing your best—taking pride in small as well as large accomplishments?
 

Labels are everywhere in our lives. Positive or negative, they are all risky. But our growth mindset can help protect us.
 
Negative labels
I don’t have to tell you that assigning negative labels to people is bad—and it feels awful when it’s done to us. Whether a teacher tells us we’re a “troublemaker,” or a friend tells us we are “lacking the empathy gene,” or our employer tells us we “don’t have a creative mind” …being given a negative label can hold us back. Our fixed mindset starts to believe it and to wonder whether we’ll always be that way.
 
Positive labels
Positive labels aren’t good either. As we discussed in “The praise malaise” (SMC #5), being told we are “brilliant” or “a natural athlete” or “musically gifted” can also wreak havoc on our growth mindset. We start to wonder if we are worthy of these labels—or we believe them and get easily frustrated when hard work is required. After all, things come easily to naturally gifted people, right? If you’ve read any of these Mindset Curios you know my answer to that: WRONG!
 
Stereotypes
Stereotypes are giant-size versions of labels, ones we apply to whole groups. One stereotype that hits especially close to home for me is the false belief girls/women are somehow naturally unsuited for math, science or technology (STEM wedge of the Curious CQ Wheel). Studies by prominent psychologists like Claude Steele and Joshua Aronson have shown that the simple suggestion of this stereotype to girls can cause their math performance to plummet. Even the presence of more males than females in the room when they’re taking a math test, or asking them to check a box indicating their gender before they begin a math test, can drive down their test scores. Here’s why. When stereotypes are applied to us, they fill our minds with worries about confirming the stereotype. Will we live up to others’ negative expectations about our supposedly fixed abilities?
 
Growth mindset to the rescue
I’m not suggesting that changing your mindset will magically erase the sting of negative labels or lift the heavy weight of stereotypes centuries in the making. But having a growth mindset definitely helps. Research shows that when people are in a growth mindset (or are taught a growth mindset), their performance is less affected by stereotypes. For example, when girls believe that math abilities can be developed, it takes the teeth out of the “girls can’t do math” stereotype and allows them to fight back. If they are behind or are finding the work difficult, they will more often look for ways to improve—find mentors or tutors, join study groups, learn new study strategies, devote more time.
 
The same goes for positive labels. Those labels feel nice at first, but people in a growth mindset smile sheepishly, reject the implications of innate brilliance, and then get back to growing!
 

EXERCISE: Taking off the labels we wear
 
In a fixed mindset, both positive and negative labels can mess with your mind. When you’re given a positive label, you’re afraid of losing it. When you’re hit with a negative label, you’re afraid of deserving it.

Think of two labels (positive or negative) that you “wear” in your life. Write them down.
 

For each one, try to remember how this label was originally assigned to you, by whom, and when you began to accept it.
 

For each one, list two negative effects it may have had. (e.g. Caused you to abandon an area of interest, caused you to avoid challenges, made you feel superior/inferior, etc.)
 

Now, think about each label from a more growth-mindset perspective. What development opportunities do these labels present? How could you change the label to make it something you would be prouder to wear? (e.g. Changing “smart person” to “tenacious learner”; or transforming “know it all” to “always willing to help.”)
 

Despite a widespread belief that intelligence is inborn, it’s not too hard to imagine we can develop our intellectual abilities. That’s the growth mindset. But does it apply to creative or artistic abilities?
 
Is artistic ability different from all other abilities?
Even strongly fixed-mindset people usually agree we can develop certain abilities. Our intellects are so multi-faceted, surely there is something we can grow. But artistic ability feels like a God-given gift. Most artistic people seem to display their talents from a young age—with little effort or training. Doesn’t this mean that the rest of us have some deficit?
 
Drawing is just seeing
It turns out you can learn to draw beautifully no matter how old you are. It may come “more naturally” at first to certain people, but drawing is a skill that can be taught. If you don’t believe me, check out a book called Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain, by Betty Edwards. Edwards created a five-day course in portrait drawing for complete amateurs. The results are absolutely incredible. The images below are self-portraits drawn by the students when they first started their course, and then five days later.

Edwards says people think drawing is a magical ability because they don’t understand the component skills. Actually, they aren’t drawing skills at all. They’re seeing skills. Drawing can be broken down into the ability to perceive edges, spaces, relationships, light and shadows, and the whole. Some people pick up these skills organically, while others have to learn them and put them together. But as the above self-portraits show, everybody can do it.
 
Early performance is only a predictor of early performance
Why am I telling you this? It’s not because I hope you will go out and become an artist… although that would be wonderful! It’s because so many people have stunted their creative growth because they don’t know one crucial thing. Just because some people can do something with little or no training, it doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t do it with training—sometimes even better. Many people with the fixed mindset think somebody’s early performance tells you all you need to know about their talent and their future. It doesn’t!
 
Dedication is the only true creative genius
Can anybody learn to create anything? I’m not sure. But I know Jackson Pollack had almost no artistic talent as a child. It was his enthusiasm and passion which allowed him to find mentorship and eventually stunning originality. And Mozart, contrary to the movie Amadeus, had an incredible work ethic from a young age. And Twyla Tharp, the world-famous dancer, believes so strongly that creativity is learnable that she wrote a book called The Creative Habit. How many more creative geniuses would the world have if people brought their initial abilities—be they ample or meager—to fruition through the habit of dedication?
 

EXERCISE: Before and after face drawing
 
Let’s do a mini version of Betty Edwards’ drawing experiment. Since we don’t have five days, we’ll draw an arbitrary human face instead of a self-portrait. This exercise will take about an hour, but it could change your outlook on your abilities for the rest of your life.

Get a sheet of paper, lay it horizontally, and draw a vertical line down the middle so you have a left and right area of the paper. Get a sharp, soft pencil and a good eraser.
 

Now, on the left side, draw either a male or female face using your best artistic skill. Just make it a generic face, not necessarily somebody specific. Try to have the face fill up most of the left area. Take your time, and label it “BEFORE” when you are done.
 

Now, watch one of the following Curious face drawing lessons depending on whether you are drawing a male (12 mins) or female (13 mins):

WATCH: How to Sketch a Male Face
WATCH: How to Sketch a Female Face

On the right side of the page, redo your portrait using the skills you learned in the lesson. Take your time, but don’t try to make it perfect. Remember the people teaching these lessons have drawn hundreds of faces before and you are just beginning.
 

Notice how much time has elapsed since your first drawing. Did you improve? If you watched the video five more times, and drew five more faces, how would your drawing skills be then? What about if you spent several thousand hours practicing drawing?
 

Nobody has a New Year's resolution to lose four ounces a week, or spend two minutes more with their kids every day, or learn one chord on the guitar. But that could be the way to change your life.
 
Why do we make resolutions every year?
Maybe it's the growth mindset within us! We humans are engineered to dream of being better versions of ourselves. Many cultures have old traditions of annual self-reflection and self-improvement. For some it's Yom Kippur, or Lent, or Chinese New Year. For others it's Burning Man… or the day after Burning Man! So why do most of us have such a miserable track record when it comes to fulfilling our big resolutions?
 
Dream big…
Annual resolutions allow us to dream big. But that's the same reason they fail. We pick something major we want to change, and then expect it to, whammo, change. But things don't work that way. Big goals can be motivating at the beginning, but they can be demotivating when we don't see the big results we want. If we are trying to lose twenty pounds, only losing one or two pounds after weeks of hard effort makes it all feel like a lost cause.
 
…but start small
Instead we need to start small. Put your big goal into the distance and replace it with a smaller one. Think of it as reducing a vague thing you can't control (e.g. being less tired) down to something you can control (e.g. going to bed a few minutes earlier each night). Your goal of going to the gym every day starts with walking once around the block each morning. Being more considerate with your family starts with taking one minute each morning to think about one thing you can do that day.
 
Build a habit of building habits
The real goal of most resolutions is to make a sustainable change to our lives. Exercising more, learning a new language, starting to meditate, reading more books. Once you have turned your big goal into a small step, you just need to "rinse and repeat"!
 
As we discussed in "The power of yet" (SMC #8) this is easier if you create a cue. Want to walk around the block tomorrow morning? Put your smart phone in the pocket of your workout clothes. Want to read more books? Stash the TV remote control on your bedside stand under your Kindle. Want to learn French? Put the "Viva La French" app on your phone's home screen, where Facebook used to be. With a little practice, you will start successfully building a habit of building successful habits.
 
So what about having a New Year's resolution of losing four ounces a week, or spending two minutes more with your kids every day, or learning one chord on the guitar? It's a resolution you can actually keep—and it's the way that bigger, more sustainable change starts.
 

EXERCISE: This year you're going to make a resolution stick!
 
Try making several "micro" New Year's resolutions this year, and see if you have better luck getting the desired results.

List 3 important changes you "resolve" to make in your life.
 

Now, for each change you listed above, make a resolution that is the tiniest—but still meaningful—first step you can think of. Write each one of these "micro" resolutions down.
 

Now pick one resolution to start with. Consider adding a daily calendar reminder, or other prompt, to help remind you. Try to stick with its first step for a couple of weeks, before adding in the next one. And if you've stuck with that one, then after a couple of weeks try adding the third resolution.
 

Once you have successfully incorporated at least one of your "micro" resolutions into your routine, try increasing the intensity very slowly over time. But as soon as it starts to feel like a burden, scale back!
 

Mindfulness—being aware and accepting of our thoughts and feelings in the moment—has been found to reduce our stress, improve our health, and even increase the density of gray matter in our brains (a good thing). But what is its relationship to practicing a growth mindset?
 

It can be a struggle to get past our struggles
People have told me that, as much as they believe in a growth mindset, they sometimes have trouble putting it into practice. Often they are just too overwhelmed by their fixed mindset triggers (see SMCs #1 and #2). A struggle may take them way out of their comfort zone and they're just plain terrified. A big, fat failure may leave them feeling crushed. Which can make it very hard to access the happy thought: "Boy, I'm going to learn a lot from this!"
 

So, how do we transition from the reality of the trigger we're immersed in to the growth mindset opportunity that is standing before us?
 

Mindfulness can help
Mindfulness is a way of seeing our negative thoughts and emotions for what they are—just thoughts, just emotions. It allows us to observe them and let them go. If the emotions are a result of a fixed mindset trigger, we can use mindfulness to release them, instead of letting them control us. Find out more about mindfulness. Whether you conclude it's your new religion, or just a useful technique, give it a try.
 

Mindset + Mindfulness
I've noticed people sometimes confuse growth mindset and mindfulness, but they're quite different. Mindset is a way of viewing our abilities, and how we can improve them to realize our potential in life. Mindfulness helps us process and manage the emotions that derail us—including the negative emotions stirred up by our fixed mindset personas. We should use mindfulness—or meditation, or exercise or your favorite Abba album—to process those negative emotions, so we can see the growth opportunities in front of us. Then we can say we are living our lives mind-set-fully!
 

EXERCISE: Living more mind-set-fully
 
Here is an exercise to help you have mindful—instead of knee-jerk—reactions to life's challenging moments.

Think about a recent event where you had a knee-jerk reaction that plunged you into an unhelpful emotional state.
 

Now think about the situation and try to plunge yourself back into that same emotional state (just for the moment!).
 

Watch that feeling without judgment. Watch it from a distance. Watch it go through your body. Watch it leave your body. Mindfulness allows us to process our emotions without judgment, so we can come back to ourselves and find the growth opportunity.
 

Design your own "mindfulness plan" to prevent your next knee jerk reaction. Think not only about how you will react in the moment, but also the preventative measures you can practice—so you don't get blindsided by fixed mindset triggers.

Here are some Curious lessons you might want to incorporate into your mindfulness plan:

Guided Meditation for Beginners
Common Meditation Problems & Solutions
Introduction to Dancing Mindfulness
Introduction to Mindful Awareness
Mindful Eating 101

There's one little word that can change your life: "yet." The power of "yet" is key to growth mindset thinking and a secret to a fulfilling life.
 

How to spell growth in three letters
A turning point in my career came years ago when my colleagues and I conducted a study with ten-year-olds. At one point, we gave them problems that were too hard, and were astounded by the results. In the face of this "failure" some students actually said things like "I love a challenge" and "Yes, I was hoping this would be informative!" They were so confident they would eventually figure it all out. They believed in the power of Y-E-T.
 

But another group of kids—of equal ability—felt this failure was tragic. For them, their intelligence was annihilated. Some said they would cheat the next time; others wanted to seek out kids who did even worse to feel better about themselves. They were paralyzed by the tyranny of "now." Knowing the answer now. Being perfect now. Getting praise now.
 

The kids in the latter group were already in the grips of a fixed mindset. At just ten! Helping unshackle fixed mindset thinkers like those kids became my career mission.
 

Seeing failure as "not yet"
There's a high school in Chicago that doesn't give F's. Instead, they give a grade of "not yet." How wonderful is that? Even in the midst of a failure the teachers are reminding the kids that they are on a path to learning. So, when you hear yourself (or someone close to you) say: "I'm no good at ________." Add "…yet"! When you hear: "I tried it but I couldn't do it." Add "…yet"! But then how do we turn our "not yets" into real skills and habits?
 

What are your "not yets"?
We all have cherished "not yets" that could be within reach. Starting a company? Visiting an exotic land? Writing a book or movie script? Going back to school? Changing careers? Becoming an athlete? Meeting that special somebody? Making a contribution to your community? Learning to play the cheese drums? What is your "not yet"?
 

Building a bridge to "yet"
The problem with "not yets" is that they can seem far away. They are so big and perfect. If we want to lose 20 pounds, we don't fantasize about how great it will feel to lose the first pound. But that's exactly how to approach it. We need to start with one simple, actionable step. My colleague Susan Mackie tells the story of a man who had always wanted to be a person who goes running every day. She told him to put running clothes at the foot of his bed and put them on every morning. For a week he just put on the clothes. Until he felt so silly he went out for a run around the block. Then a mile. Then five. Now he runs every day. He built a bridge to his yet. You'll find the bridge to your yet if you can identify that one small step you can repeat again and again. Until it becomes two steps, and then three steps—until it leads you to your "yet."
 

EXERCISE: Placing the first brick in your bridge to "yet"

Choose a "not yet" you'd really like to make progress towards. What is it?
 

Think of a very small action—a first step—that can be the very beginning of the bridge to your goal.
 

Now, think of a prompt or cue you can identify that will trigger the above action. For our runner above, it was putting his clothes where he would see them first thing each day. Somebody looking to date more could create a daily calendar reminder to spend five minutes on a dating site each evening. What will your daily cue be?
 

Commit yourself to taking your small action every day for a week. Slowly, slowly let it grow into a larger action. You may be on your way to forming a new habit!
 

Social media is a wonderful way to connect with people. But watch out! It can be like an addictive drug for our fixed mindsets.
 

Your fixed mindset is yelling: #validateme!
Research shows that our fixed mindsets make us prey to people’s judgments. Worrying more about our projected image than the substance of our lives is a classic fixed mindset symptom. Social media can have substance too, but many people use it to get validation from others—constant validation. We feel great about ourselves just because our picture of last night’s dinner got a bunch of “likes.” It’s a trap. That kind of satisfaction doesn’t inspire growth mindset qualities like having fabulous struggles or making terrific mistakes!
 

So should I “unfriend” social media?
Of course not! As if that’s even possible in today’s world. But use social media as a tool for your growth, instead of a validation for your status quo. Use it to explore new things—things you’ve been wanting to learn. To join a cause or to strengthen your local community. To connect with people who are different from you so you can stretch yourself and see other points of view. Use social media to make yourself and the world better.
 

Get off the approval treadmill…and truly contribute
Naturally, we care what others think of us, but we have to get off the approval treadmill. Here’s what I tell my incoming Stanford freshmen the first day of class: their job description has just changed. In high school, maybe their job was to get A’s and project an image of success—in order to get into a place like Stanford. At Stanford, their job is to use all the available resources to become the person they want to be—the person who will make a contribution. Of course, they want to do well in school, but the A’s no longer define them. The same advice holds for those of us a “few” years out of school. Who is the person you want to become? What is the contribution you want to make—to your family, to your community, to the world? Can you leverage the power of social media to further those goals?
 

EXERCISE: A social media reset
 
Social media can be a fixed mindset or growth mindset activity, depending on how you use it. Here’s a simple method for evaluating and recalibrating your social media usage.

Keep track of all your social media usage for a 24-hour period. You can track it manually—or install an app like Checky or Moment on your phone to do it automatically.
 

Now calculate the total amount of time you spent on each social media network (Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, LinkedIn, etc.)
 

How much time did you spend seeking approval, or giving it to others?
 

How much of that time was spent helping you or others grow?
 

If you spend more than thirty minutes per day on social media, what strategies could you employ to minimize the time you spend seeking/giving approval?
 

How could you reset your social media usage to improve your contribution to your family, your community, the world? How could it be helping you grow?